A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said,
“So, you want me to stay?”
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?”
The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see!”
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair,
“Do you have any last requests?”
“Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
A woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat !”
He replies “If you were a lady, the hat would lift itself!”
My wife and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary soon so I asked her what she wanted.
She said wanted something really really shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her a scale.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
It’s funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible… But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth…
After that, everything else was Made in China.
I think my wife is selling drugs…….
Just had some bloke on the phone asking…..
Is that dope still there?
Midwife for sale.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia
It was like music to my arse
A funeral was held today for the inventor of air-conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.
Mick and Paddy were on a plane.
Halfway through the flight Mick said:
“Paddy, if this plane turns upside down do you think we’d fall out?”
“Nah, we’d still be mates!”
I rang the Council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house.
They said: “You can do cartwheels for all we care!”
I offered my Nan $5 for a go on her stair lift.
I think she’s gonna take me up on it!
The marijuana farmer saw two cows wander into his field of pot.
“Wow the steaks have never been higher” he thought to himself.
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
A forgetful cow gives milk of Amnesia!
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
Local Area Network in Australia:
The LAN down under.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
It’s not hard to meet expenses … they’re everywhere
A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.”
I went over.
Nobody was home!
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
What do Eskimos get from sitting around in their igloos for too long?
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
What do you call a last will and testament?
A dead giveaway.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Exactly where you left him.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there is a knock on the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
A man was telling his neighbour,
“I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
If large elephants have trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that 2:30 am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Why don’t blind people go bungee jumping?
Because it scares the hell out of their dogs!
A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits. ‘All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?’
‘Eventually,’ said the consultant, ‘she will rise and shine.’
A salty cruising boat pulled in to dock, and a stunningly beautiful woman stepped off with a parrot on her shoulder.
“Where did you get that?” asked one of the dock rats.
“Met her online,” replied the parrot.
Three pirates walk into a bar.
The fourth one ducks!